Sanskar held the juice glass and struggled to place it in the tray beside the bowl of cereals. His face had no emotion. He stared blankly for a moment before inhaling. Pari who was looking at him controlled her emotions. She surely could not see him like this.
He licked his lower lip and held the tray up and walked towards his room. He stood watching the door for a brief. He brought that painful smile on his face and his eyes twitched and the tears stopped at the bay making his eyes twinkle.
“Hey…” he whispered as his voice did not leave his throat. “Hey Biwi” he swallowed the sour lump. “I brought your breakfast. I’m placing it on the table. Take it okay” he stretched his lips a bit trying to smile.
Sometimes it is not mind who controls our body.
He placed the tray on the table beside and moved close to the door. His hands moved forth and then he dragged it back uncertain. Then after a moment of blankness he placed his hand on the door. His eyes could not hold the emotions anymore. He squeezed his eyes trying hard not to let them flow.
He moved more close to the door and placed his head on it. He wanted to burst out with the emotions he was holding but he could not. He covered his mouth stopping from crying. His hot breaths left his mouth in short shots. He tried to even them.
On the other side of door Ragini stood leaning to the door resting her head. She placed her hand aligning with that of Sanskar. She let out those tears suppressing the cry.
It had been damn fifteen days that she even came out of the room or spoke to anyone.
Ragini gained consciousness while Sanskar was sleeping beside her in sitting position. Her heart flinched looking at his tears smeared face. She moved her hand to touch his face.
Ragini placed her hand on her head as it pained.
“Why do you hate him so much? He is your sister’s brother in law” she remembered the day she asked Vikram on Kavya’s marriage day. “Because he killed her” Vikram screaming on top of his voice sent shivers down her spine. “He snatched Ansh’s mother and he snatched his own brother’s happily ever after” Vikram’s broken state from past flashed in front of her like she was there watching him collapse on his knees.
“How are you even not behind the bars? How can you be so guilt free?” she remembered Raghvi’s anger filled eyes. “You killed my sister? You” she remembered how Ragvi accused Sanskar. “You are taking his side? He is a murderer. He snatched Ansh’s mother. He is responsible Kumud Dee isn’t with us” Ragvi’s question oscillated in her mind.
“I will never ever forgive you for this. You might have come out clean from the case but I will never forgive you for this. You know how it feels that I could not speak to her for the last time? And you are the reason for it. You alone” Ragvi’s painful eyes squeezed her soul.
Ansh smiling at her with his innocent eyes flashed in her vision. She felt it difficult to breath suddenly and coughed out as her cries did not stop but just went on searching for a break down.
Sanskar who was napping woke up to her coughing. He worried reaching for her when she stopped him showing her palm.
His eye dropped a tear trying to grasp for the first time she refused his touch. It was hard to swallow. His epiglottis moved down as the sour lump crossed his throat.
“Can I ask you something?” she looked up to meet his gaze with her puffy red eyes. He so much wanted to crush her in his embrace but controlled himself.
“How….” she wiped her face. “How could you stay quite? And why?” she asked locking his intense gaze with her painful one. He stretched his lips a bit trying to recover.
He inhaled sharply to stop his emotions from flooding. “It is just simple and obvious” he smiled painfully moving a bit back.
Her eyebrows knitted in confusion. “I love you” he said with the voice which straight came from his soul. And that tear dropped and he did not even tried to stop it.
Ragini’s heart developed a knot not able to see his state. She folded her lower lip and the tear dropped failing to stay back. Her eyes blinked lightly as the pain passed her heart again.
“I go through a lot. I conquer every challenge the life throws. May be it is just blames. And just blames” his eyes glistened.
“But I can’t conquer one thing” he said and his forehead creased. She moved her eyelids looking every emotion of his.
“The thought of losing you. The moment which makes me feel you aren’t around. The moment I won’t listen to your breaths. The moment you broke down and reduce yourself into tears” his eyes filled now.
He moved and held her wrist and kissed it looking into her eyes. “I can’t live without you” his voice cracked. Ragini blinked her eyes.
Her heart became heavy with each passing second. She dragged her hand away and he remained unmoved. “Can I stay alone?” she spoke in low voice.
Sanskar’s heart fell from it’s cage. He gulped in and smiled at her painfully. “Only if you promise you will take care of yourself” he said reaching for her cheek and she moved her head back and looked into his eyes and his hand stopped just near her face. He dragged it back reluctantly smiling unwillingly.
He stood up and walked out of the room closing the door behind. He leaned to the door and slid down looking up and suppressed his silent cry. Ragini moved to the door and placed her hand over it and slid down crying silently.
Vikram stood looking blankly in front of the dresser. He was adjusting his tie.
He walked inside Ragini’s room the next day as she was resting on her bed. He remembered how she had always come back to him whatever happened. His heart broke when it made him feel this time may be she will never come back to him.
He moved slowly to her with his heavy steps. His heart beat loud and clear. “You are the best Bhayyu in the world” Kumud’s voice made his steps to stop. He remembered her last moments while she flashed him a smile and left that last breath.
His eyes went wide and tear dropped out of one eye. He looked at Ragini who was watching him with a sad smile on her face and holding the tears.
He remembered all his memories with Ragini and that overcome his reluctant feeling finally and he walked towards her.
“Please don’t forgive me” he stopped near her and his smile faded. “Please” she met his eyes with the tear filled eyes.
“Please hate me Bha…” she stopped midway. “I’m sorry. That word has become more like my breathing” she closed her eyes.
“And you have become my breathing” he sat beside her. She looked up at him. “I can’t be mad at you” he placed his one hand on her cheek and she closed her eyes letting out the tear.
“I can’t live it if you don’t hate me the way you hated Sanskar. I can’t” she nodded her head. He looked at her blankly. “Baccha I…” “Please don’t call me that because I snatched the very person who deserved that word from you” she nodded her head.
“Your forgiveness so easily is suffocating me. Please don’t do this to me” she pleaded him. “Okay okay. Relax. Don’t get this into your nerves please” Vikram pleaded her. “What you want me to do tell me? I have never denied anything you have said and I promise I will not deny this also but don’t ask me one thing” he brought her face to look up at him.
“Don’t tell me to hate you” he looked at her painfully. “I can’t do it. I can’t even think of it” his voice cracked. “I don’t know why? I don’t know do I make any sense. If you think you snatched Kumud from my life. Then remember more important thing than that” he paused folding his lips.
“You are the one who is the reason I did not die the same night. You are the reason that I came out of that well of sorrow which was so dark” he inhaled sharply.
“That at a moment I felt it is better if I die” he nodded his head. “I…” he swallowed the sour lump.
“I lost everything and I survived. But” he looked into her eyes. “I don’t think I can ever live if I lose you bacha” he burst into a bitter cry bending his head.
Ragini tried to stop him from calling her that word again but Vikram stopped her by nodding his head. “I don’t know how you say you deserve only hate and doesn’t deserve all this love and relationships. But I know that your the most deserving person for all these” he smiled at her.
“I know you need time to come out of it and I have to tolerate your this state. But trust me the day you feel that I have only one feeling for you and that is not hate and it cannot be changed to hate your bhayyu will embrace you like always. He will have the same warmth. Not even an inch of his love will reduce” he stood up to walk.
He stopped and turned to look at her. “And I’m sorry that I hated your husband. But I can’t blame him because you cannot be given the one emotion” his smile widened. “Hate” he turned again and walked out of her room.
Sriti placed her head on his shoulder and he landed back in present. He blinked his eyes to stop them from tearing. Sriti rubbed his back trying to console him.
“I know you miss her” she looked at him and he smiled back at her. “I can’t miss her Sriti. She stays here” he pointed at his heart. “She may be away from me. She might have pulled herself away and try to erase whatever emotions I have for her. But” he stopped. “But she cannot get away from me. I’m not let go off her. Ever” he smiled.
Sriti brought him to face her and cupped his face. “You know what?” she whispered touching his forehead with hers. “You are really her best bhayyu” she said and chuckled a bit.
“I am best because she is my bacha” he held her hand and they stood like that grasping the emotions.
Sahil looked at Kumud’s photo. “I’m sorry Biwi. I shouldn’t have revealed it” he said painfully. “But I could not see those blames on Sanky. You know how much I love him and sometimes I become dumb that I don’t see the greater pain which will be greeting him” he said closing his eyes.
Ansh sat beside his father. He took Kumud’s photo. “Hi Mom” he smiled at Kumud. “I know you are very angry on me that I hardly remember you” Ansh said sadly and Sahil looked at his son.
“But I try a lot but you know I can’t erase Maa(Ragini) from my memories. The only face I know as my mother is hers. But she is angry on me. I don’t know why” he said painfully. Sahil folded his lips looking at his son as his forehead creased.
“Mamu says you are with God ji” he wiped his tears and looked at Kumud with glittering eyes. “And God ji can do anything na?” he nodded his head. “Tell him na to return my Maa” his eyes became painful again.
“I don’t even feel like eating food if I don’t see her or talk to her. Please Mom. Give me my maa back please” he cried and Sahil dragged Ansh into his embrace.
“Dad please bring my maa back. Please” he cried and Sahil closed his eyes feeling helpless. “How will I get her back baby. She is gone very far” he said with low voice. Ansh jerked away.
“You are bad. You are really the worst dad. You can’t even get my maa. You are a liar. You said you love me but all lies. You don’t love me. I want my maa. I want her back” Ansh stamped his feet. “I’m sorry” Sahil said helplessly bending his head.
“I hate you dad… I hate you” he ran from there breaking Sahil more. Sahil collapsed on the ground. “I’m sorry I’m really sorry I messed up everything. I can’t bring her back. I can’t” he burst out crying.
“Bhai” Yohan came and knelt in front of Sahil. Sahil leaped forward to hug him. “Why is that I mess up everything Yohan. Why am I not like you? Why do I get only troubles in everyone’s life. Why?” he asked fiercely.
Yohan controlled his emotions rubbing his brother’s back. “It wasn’t your fault. I know what Sanky Bhai means to you. I don’t know anybody would have kept mum in that situation. You had a choice and I know you will always select Sanky bhai over anything and anyone. The one thing you cannot do is ignoring his pain. You acted at the moment and it wasn’t your fault” Yohan said and Sahil closed his eyes tightly letting more tightly.
Sanskar was walking towards guest room while he stopped at their rooms door in the night after he came back from office.
“You know Dumbledore. How important are tears? They make you happier in the good times and reduce your pain a bit in desperate times. You can’t just avoid them. They are the only means that make you feel alive. For me if you don’t shed tears then you are almost dead. They not only washout the pain from your heart they also cleanse your eyes. Scientifically letting out tears reduces the stress level to a great extent. You know the people who hold the cry suffer even nerve disorder. This was told to me by Laksh. You know I hate that brain specialist he almost me deaf with his explanation. At a point I was feeling why am I even listening. Then you left me there to get Maa’s report that day and I had no option. I’m glad maa will be cured soon and she will be back but I miss her already….” Sanskar was just watching her placing his fist under his chin.
“What are you glaring at?” Ragini stopped and asked him. “I love it when you speak like this. It is my way to feel alive. And I would never want to miss it. For anything” he smiled.
In present he moved towards the door and looked at it painfully.
Main Tenu Samjhava Ki…..
Nai tere baju lagda Jee…..
Tu Ki jaane pyar mera Mai kara intezar tera
Tu dil tu yun Jaan meri….
Mai tenu samjhava ki na tere baju lagda jee.
He placed his hand on the door feeling her presence.
Jeena mera haaye marna mera naal tere
Kar aitbar mera mai karu intezar tera….Mai tenu samjhava ki…. Nai tere baju lagda jee.
Tere bina haaye ki mai kara dur udasi dil bekarar mera…mai kara intzar tera.
Mai tenu smjhava Ki….
Na tere baju lagda jee.
Do let me know how was this?