“Tu meri neendo me sotha hai….. Tu meri ashko me rota hai….”
I don’t know why this line always prick the wall of my heart and I feel an internal bleeding at the left side of my chest.
It’s not an easy journey to come till here. Five damn years of my life I have spent for what? Just to pluck him out of that memory of mine. Am I successful? I don’t think so. He is the first person who pops in my mind when I close my eyes, he is the first person who makes me restless only by the mention of his name.
“One more” I turned hearing Shreya who was on the bed with the laptop. “This is the fifth mail this week. Again Sanskar Maheshwari” she nodded her head in disbelief.
“Why don’t you give him a damn reply?” she looked at me and as usual I had no answer. “Something unsaid is always painful you know?” she walked to me after there was no response from me.
I just nodded my head like I understood what she meant. Truly speaking I did understood what she said but then my mind was in a state where it pretends of innocence.
And I hate myself for that. For being such a pain to handle.
April 1st 2013
The otherwise bustling SJS college was all silent. The last exam of the commerce section was been going on. I was so happy that my all the exams went smooth and this last one too was a huge hit.
Though I don’t give a damn to the grades in tests, I do prepare well for the semester exams. I can say I’m too lazy to do preparations every month for good grades.
Finally the last bell rang and I was all relieved of the exam stress which is in turn stressful to my mumma. I do love annoying her all the time but when it’s my exams she takes that extra nerve to be anxious all the time.
As I stepped out of the room where I was writing my exam I was taken aback suddenly. This man has no timing at all to be stupid and annoying.
My bestie. The handsome hunk Mr. Sanskar Maheshwari. I don’t know why girls go gaga over his looks. He looks like God mixed maida with soil and created him. Too fair to handle.
We have been together from 4th grade when I have to shift here due to my mumma’s transfer. And we have very strange relation which is more of friendship like of TOM and JERRY.
We fight like kindergarten kids still adding to the misery. And I so knew that this time I’m going to smack his head so hard that it will bounce in the air and again fit back to his swan neck.
What confused me was the otherwise annoyed expression on his face had been replaced by the boyish grin. I raised one eyebrow uttering my confusion for his action plus that expression.
Damn is he trying to give me a heart attack when he dropped on his knees in that very second and looked up at me. “All these years I never realized when I was preaching you about every guy you were interested in that how great jerk he was I never realized I was doing that ought of my feelings for you. A feeling that arouse when my heart felt that you will go away from me. I… I don’t know why all such things have to enter my heart. And I don’t still know what is it called.
But I know one thing and that’s I can’t imagine a second… no no not even a nanosecond of my life without you. Will you make this my forever?” his eyes shone with that drop at the corner of them.
My eyes and breath stationed and heart slowly gained the speed. My lips parted when he finally finished what looked like a confession. I was at the verge of crying. That moment felt magical which will make anyone go awestruck.
Letting my body limbs work seemed almost an impossible task to me in that what looked like an age but actually was just a moment.
“San…” before I could even utter his name my world of fantasies broke into crashing pieces. He started laughing like a maniac. “Holy snake Jyo” he screamed and I turned my almost glassy eyes to look behind him where his current girlfriend Jyoti was muffling her laughter.
I turned my gaze back to him with my brows knitted. “You know what? I wish I could show you how you looked?” he said in between his laughter.
“April Fool” his scream deafened me. And I don’t know how did I reacted so insane that my hand landed straight on his cheek. A tear was still fighting at the edge of my eye.
I drew my hand back and looked at him horror struck.
There is a very thin line between friendship and the so called love. And there is even thinner line between love and hate. I think I crossed all those lines to stand where I was right now.
I cast him a disgusted look before disappearing from his sight when he was still recollecting himself.
Damn this heart. Why does it beat in first place. Can’t it stay all dead throughout my life? That tear which fought so far finally lost the battle and tripped out of my eye.
I made a bigger fool of myself by stepping inside this mess and made my life a mess.
“Ragini…Hey” finally. Finally I landed back in the reality out of my past. I stretched my lips in a formal smile at Sahil. He smiled back at me and signed me to have a look at my plate also which remained untouched.
We were on our fifth date. Sahil is a good guy and the best option when you think of settling in life. I was tired of running away and finding ways to get out of Sanskar’s memories which did not let a single second of my life.
After the dinner we were on our way back to my apartment which was given to me by my company. I finally was a successful investment banker what my mumma dreamed of. Hurdles were there on my path but I crossed them but what I could not cross was those damn feelings.
When I was hugging myself to get saved from the cold I felt Sahil covering me with his jacket and giving me a warm smile. I despise myself that I have turned out a stone to feelings. Not letting them arise and not letting them subside.
He leaned to me and I closed my eyes guessing his move.
“Ragini” I heard Sanskar’s voice and my eyes went wide with horror. I dragged myself away from Sahil and panted for breath before our lips touched. “I’m sorry” I dropped the jacket and ran away from him leaving him all confused.
That’s what I have done all my life. Running away.
He was the sixth person whom I dated in these five years to get that jerk Maheshwari out of my mind but I was not able to kick him out.
“I’m sorry na Rago” he walked behind me in the hallway. I did not even care what was he saying. I was so pissed off right now I wouldn’t mind slapping him three four times more.
“Listen stop being a jerk and stop following me. And give me space” I said turning to him before I entered the library where at least I thought I will be spared of his pile of apologies. But I did not knew I will be proven wrong so soon.
Mr. Sanskar Maheshwari don’t only resemble the Fevicol adhesive he does behave like one. He keeps trying till the last second of the life for what he thinks he should pursue and currently my forgiveness was on his priority list of pursuing things.
And trust me he is a real pain at times when he doesn’t budge. I was back to the college after the vacation. And what did I do in that. Grinding this jerk Maheshwari out of my mind and the so called heart which suddenly started feeling lonely in the crowd and crowded while alone. Strange heart. And who is responsible for all this?
The poker face jerk who is still following me in the damn library. As much as I love his apologies in the past when he used to roam behind me for the silly mistakes of his; today I really don’t even want to see his shadow given his maida clad face the next option.
I picked some random books and loaded myself with a pile of them. So much that walking seemed almost impossible. I was just a second away from inviting the wrath of the Library Godess(Demon) the head librarian when I felt a hand from the other side which supported the pile and prevented that from landing on the ground.
I controlled my urge to scream and whispered “Will you get out of my way?” He gave a toothy grin. “Are you sure?” he signed to the books which he supported from the other side. A deep sigh left my annoyed face. “Fine” I uttered and walked with his support till the table and placed what looked like bahubali pile of books over it.
“Um” I was trying to form words when he stood waiting for my response. “Tha…” “Oh your thank you canceled with my sorry. So let us start from the starting. Hi. Sanskar Maheshwari. Friends?” he cut my words again. Dumb head does this always. And no wrinkle of effect on his face.
“Sorry I don’t make friendship with strangers” Damn that was sharp. I so knew it stung him on the very soft spot of his heart when I sensed the emotion on his face. And again my stupid heart made me weak.
“Um” he sat in front of me still recovering himself. “Okay. If that’s the case then let us get acquitted first. My name is Sanskar and I’m the heart throb of this college…” he stopped dead when I gave him a sharp look. “I know that’s not any qualification but then it is an achievement” he’s stupid at times which made me nod my head and dig my eyes back in the book.
“So how about you?” he bent to me. “Um hm. Well I’m Ragini Gadodia a simple third year student who aspires to be a successful investment banker. Then I have my precautions to stay away from heart throbs who turn out to be heart breakers” I was just turning the pages of the book trying to act unaffected but his cologne was hitting my nostrils and was making my vision blur. Practically I was avoiding looking into his eyes. Those attractive black orbs…
Damn Ragini. I snapped myself out when I felt my heart dominating. I knew ignoring him wasn’t as easy as I thought. He sure knew ways to get me talking to him. And considering him was hell risky. There might come a moment when I give up to my feelings and make a fool of myself.
First time in my life I’m confused. And the reason himself is all happy- not known of my turmoils.
“Rago yaar enough na. You know I can’t handle this anymore. It’s been three months” he complained. And it looked like three ages. Again the unaffected Maheshwari is fretting over what he went through than considering what it was for me to handle.
“As simple it looks Sanskar” I paused and showed him my palm when he was about to interrupt me again. “It wasn’t easy for me too. Then I have moved over it and I don’t want to keep the bitterness. So just don’t you dare to repeat that again and you will be spared of my wrath” I sat giving him the attitude look. And inside I cursed myself for deciding this resolve.
He will be around me and I have to pretend like I don’t care. How hard it’s gonna be. I just wish I had any idea about it. And I realized it soon as he hugged me warmly to express how happy he was that I forgave him. Damn the stupid heart of mine started pounding as soon as his hand touched my shoulder.
I sat blank not resisting and this reaction of mine scared the hell out of me. Life had playing strange games with me. It made me fall in love with Sanskar when he was still dating and then it made me not to break the friendship which promised nothing but more heart breaks.
I was wishing for the days to pass and the year to end so that I go away so far for him that he can’t even trace my shadow. With all heaps of heart breaks seeing him with his girlfriend and cloaking those emotional pain I survived the year surprising myself.
I got my scholarship to study in Texas University and I was so excited at the same time unhappy. I know I wished all this. The life away from him but then I did not knew it will be hell of a task.
“You did not even felt I should be informed of this?” his cold voice hit me when I was packing my luggage. “I was about to call you” I could manage to give him a formal smile.
“When after landing in Texas. Oh Hi Sanskar guess what I’m in Texas. And I will never come back so good bye” his eyes were glassy when he imitated me. I know breaking a friendship which has grown with us was not easy but I had to do at some part of my life. Because I knew every second I pretended I don’t care it hurt me more and I was selfish I did not wanted to bear that pain.
I released my wrist from his hold and I rubbed it to get rid off the pain his handling brought.
“Ragini” his voice had the pain which squeezed my heart. That stupid heart of mine.
“Bye” I dragged my luggage and walked passing him. I so wanted to explain him and I so wanted to cry and let him know that I had crossed that thin line between friendship and love and could not go further to hate him though I pretended that I had already crossed it.
“You better see this Ragini” said Shreya showing me the mail. It was the latest mail from Sanskar. “Please Shreya. I’m done with him. I don’t want even his thought to cross my mind. I have had enough dealing with his memory. Please don’t pressurize to see his mails” I spoke in annoyance. I haven’t seen my mails of my old id from five damn years. Shreya did a favor to me and promised me to check the mails for me and to pass any important mails to my new ID.
“But Ragini. This is important” said she and I did not give her any heed.
“Hi Ragini how are you?” she started reading the mail. And I sighed not willing to listen to what he had to say.
“You know sometimes we don’t know when a moment slips out of our hold. We only realize it when we sit in solitude and think of all the best moment of our lives. Trust me that’s what I’m doing right now. I have got enough time to do so. And when I did flip the pages of my memory lane I found those special times with you. We have been together from 4th grade. I still remember how you stepped inside the class like a little angel wearing that white frock. Though I realized later that what kind of devil you are…” I let out a chuckle when Shreya paused reading it.
“Then I don’t know when I started feeling lonely without you. I so tried to suppress my feelings sighting our friendship might break due to my stupid feelings. I tried diverting my mind by dating other girls. It was funny that girl who could stop my heart beat was giving me tips to woe a girl. It pained me at times when I used to look at your innocent face but I survived it. I don’t know how. I tried all my ways to be with you and still not get affected. Because it was hard really hard to let my heart to not to beat and gallop when you were around”
“Such a prankster. Still with his old trick and he thinks I will be fooled again” I paused her with the twinkling smile on my face.
“Then this day came when Jyoti challenged me for a dare to propose you on April 1st. I so knew you will hate me for that. And without my will I have to do that. Trust me I never knew when I played that prank our friendship will screw up to this level that you will even hate my shadow” I knitted my brows trying to understand.
“But whatever I told that day was straight from my heart. Even my expressions and every word. And the price I paid for that prank was huge. Our friendship to cherish which I had held my feelings just went on declining and I still hate myself for that” A tear tripped my eye.
“Trust me I still have the guilt that I made a big fool of myself when I burst out laughing admitting that I was playing a prank on you. I wish I had confessed my feelings for you then I wouldn’t have regretted this life” I closed my eyes and let some more tears to drop down.
I had been holding them from a very long time. “I hardly have time” I turned to Shrey shocked. “I hardly have time to be in this world. I hardly have time to remember each second of my life. So I’m spending my short time remembering the most beautiful moments of my life. And each such moment was spent with you. I’m diagnosed with a terminal disease which will end my journey soon. What my last wish is to see you before I close my eyes for eternity”
“No” I collapsed on my knees. “No…. no… no” a dam of emotions broke and I did not knew what to do. I was unmoved for a lot of time.
“Shreya I….” “You better go to him” she said sitting beside me. I hugged her so tight that I could not define my emotions in a better way.
How could that idiot think of getting away from me. How could he. I clenched my fist and struggled to breath.
Shreya booked my flight and I landed in India after 24 hours. And without even giving a thought to my jet lag I rushed to the hospital where he was admitted. Shreya had got his address from one of his friend.
He slept soundly on that white bed and I closed my eyes letting out the pain to find him like this. I could have spent a life time with him in those five years if I would have confessed my love to him.
I wasted a life time. I really did. Gathering a lot of courage I entered his room and he opened his eyes like he felt my presence around him.
He gave me that wide grin and I immediately hugged him almost suffocating him. “Please spare me some more breaths” he said and I dragged my self away from him and he let out a light chuckle.
“You are so on time. And I’m glad you did not see me suffering a lot at least” I placed my finger on his mouth and stopped him.
“All your life you have not let me speak you chatter box but today I will speak and you will listen. And dare you interrupt me” “I won’t dare to” he smiled through the tear.
“The day you proposed me I started feeling it real. I was so unhappy that why it was not real? Why you did not love me? Every second I saw you with you girlfriend it pained me. I so tried to avoid you but then I couldn’t hurt you as you were not aware of my turmoils. But then I found an escape and I ran away like I always do. I did try many options but the way you fill the spaces in my life nobody could. I love you Sanskar. Will you spend those few but special moments of your life with me?” I spoke in a breath.
“Do I have to wait till I will be taking those last breaths of mine?” he asked me confused.
“Can’t I spend that lifetime which you feel you missed with me?” he leaned to me touching my forehead with his. “Actually your mumma told me to act dead till you confess but then you confessed before all the formal talks. You surely did not wanted to waste time right?” asked he and my confusion only grew.
“Stupid girl” he removed that small pipe near his nose which was fixed for breathing. And I just watched him in horror.
“You are….” I paused when I realized what was happening. “April fool. I was just acting to make you confess. And haa it was your mum’s idea…” I slapped him before he could complete. And in next moment I hugged him suffocating. “You jerk you moron….” I said all those swear words which were in my brain.
“And I love you?” he asked pout. “I hate you… I hate you to the moon and back stupid” I looked up at him and kissed his cheek.
He smiled blushing and my world seemed stopped in that moment.
The most beautiful moment of my life. When I got back what I thought I lost and will never get it back. Such gifts are precious. Though they tend to give you heart attacks but I’m happy my heart was strong enough to survive that stroke. Because now it has too survive this jerk Maheshwari all my life and I don’t give a damn thought how stupid he can turn out some times.
Being a big prankster myself I love April 1st. I had told I will be back on Monday evening but then this idea popped in my mind when I was preoccupied with the work load.
The more I tend to make my mind busy it tend to be lazy. I won’t even blink till the water reach my nostrils.
So happy April Fool’s day. Fools are required to know the importance of intelligence. And sometimes being a fool is just awesome. Come on you made some one smile and that’s what matters.